Crossovers that Shouldn't happen 4
by keithallen
Summary: Yes, the BSG group had made it to Earth! Not only was it not what they expected, they also found out why certain phrases should never be uttered ...


Crossovers that shouldn't happen  
BSG/Beetlejuice

The Earth was a nuclear wasteland. Finding the planet what was suppose to be their salvation to be utterly destroyed hit humans and cylons hard. There was no paradise, only a desolate place that had the taint of radiation across plains where only the ruins of the race that once lived here dotted the barren landscape.

Wanting to know what happened, Admiral Adama send out search parties to find out what happened to the 13th tribe and if possible find out where any survivors might have gone to. One of those parties consisted of an Eight named Lydia, a Leoben, a Six, and four centurions who's job it was to help with heavy lifting and carrying back any samples worthy of close scrutiny.

Walking along spread out, Lydia was on the extreme right, a centurion following her. Scanning the ground, she saw bits of foundation, a badly cracked rubber tire and other bits of the long gone people who lived here. Looking up she saw a structure made of stone. Approaching it, she noted the doorway  
to the structure. A type of large insect was carved in relief to either side of the doorway. Lettering was carved into the long stone over the doorway. She didn't know the language.

"I found something. An intact structure," Lydia announced.

Going over to the structure, Lydia stopped in the doorway and shone a light inside. The interior was bare. Only the stone walls, a dirt floor and the underside of the stone ceiling greeted her. Scrutinizing the walls, she did find words carved into the back wall. She stepped inside to get close enough to read the writing. Walking in, she stood before the wall. The letters were malformed, but it looked like Colonial standard.

"What did you find?" Jessica Six asked as she came in.

"There's a message here, it ... it's a poem, though it is very odd," Lydia called over her shoulder. As Lydia looked the words, she got the feeling she had seen these words before. Familiarity and dread clashed within her. She had no idea why, but felt that for some reason, these words were very powerful.

To speak them would bring havoc. None of what she was feeling made any sense. How could words written on stone be anything but words? Her logical brain refused to accept the feelings of fear in her gut.

"What does it say?" Jessica asked as she walked in.

Lydia opened her mouth to recite the words, and paused. Her gut told her it was a really bad idea to speak those words. Her logic overruled and she forced out, "Though I know I should be wary, to a place I venture scary. Ghostly hauntings I turn loose, Bettlejuice, Bettlejuice, Bettlejuice."

Right after she spoke the words, the ground rumbled and shook. Dust filtered down from the ceiling. Afraid the structure might collapse on them, they turned to escape. A long stone dropped over the doorway with a loud thud, blocking their escape. Lydia's fear grew, she blurted out, "I'm sorry!"

"Stay calm," Jessica firmly said. They waited for the ceiling to come down on them. The rumbling stopped. They stayed frozen in place, Lydia somehow knew it wsn't over yet, but she had no idea what else was going to happen. In her gut she knew she had just awakened something terrible. Jessica searched for any holes they could crawl out of.

"Babes!" came a happy male voice from directly behind Lydia. She also felt a hand firmly grasp her buttocks at the same time.

Wailing out in shock, Lydia jumped and spun to face a ... human? He looked horrid. Greenish blond hair, dark purple around his eyes, yellow teeth. Even his black and white stripped suit looked filthy. He smelled like old, musty dirt. Gaping at the man, her heart rose into her throat. This man was not human nor cylon, she felt it in her bones. He was something much more dangerous than they ever faced before.

How did she know that?

"Who are you?" Jessica asked the horrid looking man.

The man seemed to disappear from where he was to appear beside Jessica. With a grab of her bottom, he grinned and said, "I'm the Ghost with the Most, Babes."

Gasping in indignation at him fondling her behind, Jessica slapped him. Upon contact with her hand, his head exploded spraying green and black gore in the air and all over Jessica. Recoiling in disgust, both cylons noted the body didn't fall. A hoard of insects erupted out of the neck stump. The arms came up at Jessica, and with a pained moan, the body staggered towards her.

Jessica screamed in horror and tried to get away. The body chased her around the room. Frozen in place, all Lydia could do was watch the strange chase. As Jessica tried to flee, insects dropped on her from above and crawled up her legs. Flailing and screaming, Jessica tried in vain to slap the insects off her that did nothing but multiply until she was covered in them. Jessica ran blindly into a wall and fell. She was instantly covered in bugs.

The stone block over the door broke apart. Two centurions had come to their rescue. Jessica got up, flailing away. Only seeing a black mass of crawling things, the centurions hands flipped back. They pointed their guns at her and shot. The mass fell to the floor and the insects scrambled away, showing  
Jessica's bloody corpse.

An arm went around Lydia's shoulders. "Didn't see that coming," Beetlejuice said with a grumble.

Lydia recoiled away from him, wide eyed. She was deeply confused. Hadn't his head exploded? How was he alive after what she'd just seen? HOW did he get in here to begin with? "What are you?" she whispered in fear.

The centurions all turned to point their guns at him. Beetlejuice ignored her looked at the centurions and grinned happily. "Aww, tin men! They can be fun!" He then muttered , "Lemme see..." then snapped his fingers. "I know a song for Tin men!" he finished happily.

The centurions put their guns away and to Lydia's utter shock, began to dance in unison as they sang.

"I could wile away the hours  
Conferrin' with the flowers  
Consultin' with the rain  
(Whistling)  
And my head I'd be scratchin'  
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'  
If I only had a brain..."

Lydia's mind went blank as she looked at them, then found herself singing, "With the thoughts you'd be thinkin, you could be another Lincoln, if you only had a brain."

Her fear deepened into terror. The horrid looking man was making her sing! He was controlling what she and the centurions did! She gaped at him and with a cry of terror, fled as fast as she could go while she had control of herself.

Beetlejuice frowned, then snapped his fingers again. The centurions all fell down. With a flail of his arms he walked out saying, "Ok, OK, so I got the wrong song. Come on, it wasn't THAT bad!"

Running as fast as she was able in her terror induced flight, Lydia flew past a confused looking Leoben and his centurions. Hardly noticing him, she ran all the way back to the main camp. On the way, she thought about the poem she'd read. 'Ghostly hauntings I turn loose..." SHE had done this!

Whatever that thing was, she had released him from whatever prison he was in. As she thought this, something on the ground caught her foot. She dove headlong to the ground. Shooting back up, she whimpered out a cry as she ran on. She had done this! It was her fault Jessica was dead. With the camp in sight, she tripped on something again. Lydia fell headlong and quickly scrambled back up. A thought came to her mind, He was tripping her up to keep her from spreading the word about him. Her legs were tiring, she tried harder to run faster. They had to get out of here!

Closing on the camp, she saw Caprica Six and President Lee Adama standing together talking. They turned to watch her run towards them. Panting from her flight, Lydia Eight stumbled again, sprawling on the ground. The pair was close, this time instead using the energy to get up, she quickly crawled over to them.

Caprica went over and helped Lydia to her feet. Grabbing her arms, Lydia said in a pained voice weak from her flight, "We have to leave. We MUST get off this planet NOW!"

Seeing the Eight's look of terror, Lee asked, "What is it? What did you find?"

"He's coming!" Lydia wailed. "I didn't know what that poem was for! I didn't realize what I'd done..."

"Whoa, whoa," Caprica said. "Slow down! What are you talking about?"

In a pleading tone, Lydia said, "We need to leave, now! He killed Jessica, he ... controlled our centurions, he controlled me! We have to leave before he comes after us!"

"WHO?" Lee asked.

"The ... thing from the poem!" Lyida said, half mad with fear. "Though I know I should be wary, to a place I venture scary, ghostly hauntings I turn loose, and I DID turn him loose! We must flee!"

Caprica tipped her head slightly. "Chad Leoben just reported. He found a pair of deactivated centurions and Jessica Six. She was killed, shot multiple times."

"HE caused it. We have to leave now!" Lydia pleaded.

Lee Adama had never seen a cylon act like this. This Eight was scared to death.

"Did you smell gas? Think hard," Caprica coaxed as she held Lydia.

"Hallucinations?" Lee asked.

"It's the only explanation," Caprica told him.

"It wasn't gas! it was HIM!" Lydia cried, casting a pleading gaze at Caprica with her stricken face. "We aren't safe here!"

Caprica turned Lydia to a Heavy Raider. "Go back up to the ship, you need to get yourself together and calm down," she said gently.

"Noo!" Lydia said, shaking her head. "We ALL must leave!"

"Why's that, babes?" came a rough male voice from behind her.

Lydia spun to see a marine with a greenish looking face. An insect crawled out of one of his nostrils and back up the other one as he grinned at her. She knew who this was. "Nooo!" she cried. Trying to run, she stumbled into Caprica, knocking them both down.

Lee turned to the normal looking marine who cast him a questioning gaze. They helped the women up. Lydia scrambled up to look at the marine. He was just a human, not the thing from that building. Had she imagined seeing it?

"I'll take Lydia back to the ship," Caprica told Lee. Holding Lydia by the arm, she walked the scared looking Eight away.

Lydia had to make them understand. "Caprica, there is nothing here for us, we must all leave," she pleaded.

Knowing Lydia had suffered some kind of hallucination, Caprica wanted to get her back to the Base Star and checked out. Something had happened, but what Lydia was saying was making no sense at all. The danger was in a mental attack, gas or maybe a microwave transmission that messed up Lydia's brain. Possible the centurions had been affected also, which was why they killed Jessica before they succumbed.

Suddenly, a wave of ... something passed through Caprica and she stopped dead in her tracks. Lydia kept going. Caprica watched herself continue to lead the Eight towards a Heavy Raider. Stunned, Caprica stood motionless, sure she was being affected by whatever had happened to Lydia. She wanted to call out, but her mouth refused to move. Was it possible this disease was contagious?

Lydia walked stiffly under the grip on her arm, desperately trying to think of a way to get everyone off this planet. Thinking about the devastation here, she said, "Listen to me! Radiation is being released in large quantities, we have to get everyone back to their ships."

"Sorry, Babes, can't let you run away."

The voice sent an icy chill up Lydia's back. She turned to see it was the greenish not-man who was holding her by the arm. She gaped at him and let out a scream. Jerking free of his grasp, she bolted for the Heavy Raider. She ran as fast as she could, and it wasn't getting any closer. Her first thought was it was moving along the ground. No, the ship wasn't moving, and neither was she. She was running, feeling the ground under her. Looking down, she found she was running on air. She then dropped down to stumble. The man grasped her arm again.

"Babes, those butt cheek looks real cute wiggling like that," Beetlejuice said as he leered at her.

Lydia briefly thought about hitting him, then she remembered what happened to Jessica. "Please, don't hurt me," she asked weakly.

Beetlejuice frowned at her. "Babes, who said anything about hurting you?" he asked. Waving a finger at her he said, "Tell you what. You wanna get off this planet, right? I want you to stay. So, let's flip a coin. Fair enough?"

Lydia found herself nodding even though she had no idea what he was talking about.

"Great!" Beetlejuice let her go and rummaged through his pockets as he grumbled, "OK, need a coin..." Pulling things out he muttered, "Finger bone ... snake," Pulling out a handful of beetles he muttered, "lunch..."

Lydia watched various things, some live, get tossed out of his pockets. He finally patted his pockets and let out a sigh. "Damn no coins. You got one, Babes?"

Lydia shook her head.

Beetlejuice frowned then looked at the Heavy Raider sitting a short ways away. "A-ha! There we are!" He made a fist with his thump tucked into his index finger. He pointed his fist at the Raider and said, "Call it in the air!" flicking his thump up.

At his motion the raider flipped into the air. Lydia's mouth shouted, "Heads you win tails I loose!"

Did she just say that?

The Raider crashed to the ground upside down.

"Tails, you loose!" Beetlejuice announced.

"But..." Lydia said weakly. There was nothing fair about that. She got it, she had no chance of winning. Or escaping.

"Babes!" Beetlejuice cried and came close to grab a handful of that cute ass. Looking at her seriously, he asked, "You got no clue what's happening, do ya?"

Lydia shook her head. She then found herself picked up by her under arms. Her arms went around his neck. Her legs were spread and wrapped around him as he shifted to hold her up by her buttocks in a very suggestive position.

"Don't remember anything?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"no," Lydia said weakly. "Why are doing this to me?"

"Hmmm, must be you forgot your past," Beetlejuice said as he studied her.

Lydia looked around for help. Someone had to be seeing this! As she searched the landscape, she saw they were alone. No people, no ships, just them on the rolling plains. What happened to everyone? The scenery changed again to show green grass and a house.

"The Maitland house, remember them?" Beetlejuice asked.

A couple appeared in front of the house. "Who are they?" she asked.

"Your parents?" he asked. Another couple appeared.

Lydia shook her head. "I don't have parents. We were made in resurrection tanks," she offered.

"Humph," Beetlejuice mused, and dropped her to land sitting on the ground. He waved a hand and the scenery returned to ruined Earth. The upside down Raider and other ships and people returned into being. "OK, maybe that explains it," he said to himself. Pointing at her, he said, "I know your soul. Thought I lost ya for a bit, but no one gives the slip to The Ghost with the Most. So, lemme tell ya." Leaning over her as she sat on the ground, he said, "Long ago, we made a deal. I save the Maitlands for you, you marry me. I did save the Maitlands just like you wanted. Only YOU never married me. Lydia, babes, it's time to pay up."

Lydia swallowed. This being before her was showing power like she had never knew existed. Looking over the landscape and the cylons and humans that were roaming around with defeated looks on their faces, she asked, "Can you ... is it possible to make this planet so we can stay here? Can you get rid of the radiation?"

Beetlejuice tipped his head slightly. "Babes, are you asking for a gesture of good faith? I already gave mine. It's your turn."

Lydia got up. She looked at the people again, then shifted her gaze to him and in a firm voice said, "Yes! I will marry you. As your wife, I would like you to restore this planet into a place for all my brothers and sisters and the humans with us. Please."

Beetlejuice grinned broadly and offered her his hand. "Shall we?" he asked. His suit flashed and became purple with a red inner lining that showed on the lapels.

Lydia felt her clothes shift and change. She was now in a long red silk dress with a very tall collar in the back. Her shoes were shiny black ones that tilted her feet up and had very narrow and tall heels. The scenery shifted around them again.

Lydia now stood beside the greenish man on a beach facing a wall. The wall shifted, a crooked door opened up in the middle of it. A short trollish figure with a book in his hand appeared in a flash of flame. Voices behind them noticed.

"What the FRACK? Where did they come from?"

Lydia turned to see Saul Tigh and a few others staring at them.

"Is that an Eight dress like that?" Sam Anders asked.

"Witnesses," Lydia's disgusting looking future husband whispered. "Gotta have witnesses."

"What the frack is going on?" Starbuck asked.

The figure in the new crooked doorway intoned, "Beetlejuice, do you take Lydia Eight as your lawfully wedded wife?"

Beetlejuice winced and squirmed in place. Mumbling to himself he said, "Well this is kinda scary. Worse than those Sand Worm dreams, BUT I said I would do it once and this girl does have a really sweet ass ..." He straightened up and held Lydia's arm and said "I do!"

"Lydia Eight," the Troll intoned, "Do you take Beetlejuice as your lawfully wedded husband?"

Lydia's bad feeling rose. She couldn't do this! She opened her mouth to deny him, but said, "Yes, I do!  
I love that man of mine!" Her jaw dropped at her own words.

"Do you have the ring?" the Troll asked.

Beetlejuice held his free hand up to his mouth and hacked. Two hacks and a near-puking sound and the ring came out and dropped in him hand."Right here!" he said proudly. Lydia winced at the slime covered ring. Her skin pimpled as he put the ring on her finger. It was so gross.

The Troll held up and hand and said, "Beetlejuice and Lydia Eight, I now pronounce you bound as man and wife for all eternity."

"YES!" Beetlejuice cried at the top of his lungs and laughed maniacally. Overhead, clouds were gathering and darkening. Lightning bolts slashed through the sky. A wind picked up and quickly gained strength into a gale.

"HA! I did it!" Beetlejuice cried at the sky. "After all these years, I made it out!"

Lydia had to hold onto Beetlejuice to keep from blowing away. The ones around them were clutching at the ground. A centurion went flying by. Knowing his name now, Lydia called over the wind, "Beetlejuice, please make this planet suitable for us!"

With a wave of his arm, the wind and lightning stopped. Grinning at Lydia with what looked like a genuine smile, Beetlejuice gently picked up her hand and kissed it. With a smile he said, "A wedding present, just for you, Lyds."

Beetlejuice stepped back and straightened his clothes and said, "It's Showtime." He then disappeared.

"What in the name of the Gods was that?" Sual Tigh asked.

Lydia looked at her crimson dress and said, "I married him so he will restore the Earth."

"What kind of toaster nonsense is that?" Starbuck barked.

The ground began to tremble under their feet. The shudders made wavelets appear on the water. Overhead a light flashed into being in the sky. All around them, tiny bits of light came up out of the ground and raced skyward.

"Something's happening," Sam said as he stumbled, trying to stay upright.

"NO shit?" Starbuck spat as she frowned at him.

Lightning again shot skyward. Large bolts that cracked and thundered making the air vibrate. The ground tremors became worse. Screaming sounded out as people lost their balance and fell.

"We gotta get out of here!" Starbuck cried. Crawling on her hands and knees, she tried to escape anf fell flat again. Lydia fell. The ground under her felt like it was beating on her. It hurt to lay here, and it hurt to try and get up, and she kept falling on her face.

Suddenly, the ground stopped moving and the lightning stopped. Lydia stayed as still as the ground, as everyone did. Dead silence filled the air.

After a few minutes, someone asked, "What in Hades name was that?"

"This planet is not stable," someone else replied.

"Crybabies," Beetlejuice said as he appeared a short ways away. He stepped on Saul Tigh's back, then on Kara's head, face planting her into the ground as he walked towards Lydia. "That wasn't even a four pointed," he said with a snort.

"You just stepped on my head!" Starbuck yelled with a glare as she shot to her feet.

Beetlejuice glanced at her. "Don't lay where I'm trying to walk," he countered, and helped Lydia up.

Lydia looked at Beetlejuice and asked, "Anyone have a counter to read the radiation level?"

One of the humans looked at his device. He held it up and looked again. "I read ... nothing. Only a residual background radiation."

Lydia beamed Beetlejuice a smile and hugged him. Thank you!" she cried.

With a snort, Beetlejuice cracked a grin and said, "Sure thing, Babes. Now, let's go celebrate, shall we?"

Lydia nodded and took his hand. As they walked past confused people, she asked, "How did you do that? Remove all the radiation from the Earth, I mean."

"Huh?"

"You removed all the radiation so we can live here, didn't you?" Lydia asked.

"Beetlejuice! What did you do?" an angry June asked as she appeared in front of the couple.

Lydia stared at the short woman who was holding a cigarette. The woman's throat was slit wide open. How could she be alive?

Beetlejuice ignored June, shook his head and told Lydia, "No Babes, that's too much work. I merely brought up the Neitherworld. Radiation can't exist there."

"The what?"

"The Neitherworld. Only the dead can go there, so to make all your brothers and sister's and humans existence free of radiation, I brought up the Neitherworld," Beetlejuice explained.

"Wait, you just said only the dead can be there," Lydia said. Again confused by him.

"He is right!" June said angrily. "Beetlejuice, this is the last straw! You just brought all these people into the Neitherworld that YOU expanded into the real world! You've broken your last Rule, I will see to it you are banned to Saturn, torn apart and eaten by Sand worms!"

Beetlejuice shook a finger at her with a grin. "Uh uh uuh." He pulled Lydia to him and told June, "Junebug, meet my new living wife when we were married, Lydia Eight."

June's jaw dropped as she stared at Lydia. A weak 'no," came out of her throat slit.

"Oh yes. Your rules no longer apply to me," Beetlejuice beamed at her.

Trying to catch up on what was going on, Lydia asked, "Alive when we were married?" she asked.

"Right, everyone's dead now so you should all be happy," He said with a wide grin. "Babes, this is great, and we're going to be together forever!"

In the sky, Lydia saw people falling to the ground. They hit and bounced, then got up and looked around. She also noticed the sun turning a dark red, casting the land in shadow. Here and there, centurions fell from the sky to land in a heap. People falling from great heights and surviving? Maybe they hadn't survived at all.

What had she done?


End file.
